25 Untruths about me

I posted this on facebook several years ago.  So here is an oldie, but, well you decide.

25 Untruths about me

1. My children’s names are Gummy Sue, Tiffany, Andie, Gordon, Lizzie, Jackson, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Rubella, Scabies, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Q*bert, Condoleezza, Marie, Phil, Birthday, Crystal Meth, Dubya, Incest, International Harvester, Jitney, Witney, and Mary
2. Before I was married to my wife Penny, I had a brief relationship with Padme Amidala before she was Queen of Naboo, but it didn’t work out because I could not use the force.
3. Hannah Montana is my alter ego.
4. Today is the twenty-third day of the rest of my life. By the time you read this, it might be way later than that.
5. I don’t suffer from insanity, I rather enjoy it.
6. I have traveled around the world in an underwater turkey sub. We had a night club on the sub called the Turkey Bacon Club.
7. When I was in college, I dropped out for a semester to write songs for Garth Brooks under the pen name Dan Roberts. One of my songs “The Beaches of Cheyenne” reached #1 in 1996.
8. I have been planning to join Procrastinator’s Anonymous, but haven’t gotten around to it.
9. I have been addicted to placebos since I was 16.
10. Every year on the 100th day of the year, I drive 100 miles an hour down the highway to see if I can get away without getting caught. I then go to the store, buy 100 tootsie rolls, give the cashier a $100 bill and tell her to keep the change.
11. I secretly like to watch High School Musical. I have recorded all three of them and will watch them after my wife and kids have all gone to bed.
12. I gained 150 pounds in college, but lost it all on the cookie diet.
13. Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims I am the one, but the kid is not my son.
14. I have 1 brother, 1 sister, 2 half-brothers, 1 half-sister, 1 quarter-sister, 3 eighth-sisters, 1 half-mother and a half-dog.
15. I majored in Music Therapy at Appalachian State University. For those who don’t know what music therapy is, music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals.
16. I parlayed my music therapy degree into a lucrative career in as a professional hobo.
17. I have ADHDD – Analog to Digital High Definition Disorder.
18. I am physic, but I can only predict the present, not the future.
19. I am modest. In fact, I am the most modest person I know. This is often the first thing that I tell people when we meet, just to make sure they know how modest I am.
20. I have two pet penguins that I keep in the freezer in the basement.
21. I used to have hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia – the fear of long words. I was cured when I bought a book called “Phobia Self-Diagnosis”. I am glad that Self-Diagnosis was hyphenated because I almost didn’t buy it. That book saved my life.
22. Iway amway uentflay inway Igpay Atinlay.
23. I still have one phobia that haunts me to this day – the fear of getting stuck on an escalator.
24. I led the state in free throw shooting my senior year in high school under the pen name Jason Benson.
25. I can actually think of 25 funny things to say.